How to get banned from Wal-Mart

Banned From the Local Wal-Mart

Dear Mrs. Andress

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may be forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Andress are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

December 15th: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

January  2nd: Set all the alarm clocks in House-wares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

January  7th: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

February  4th: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

March 14th: Moved a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" sign to a carpeted area.

March 15th: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.

March  23rd: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

May 4th: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

April 10th: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

May 2nd: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

May 6th: In the auto department, he practiced his "Madonna look" by using different sizes of funnels.

May 7th: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled "PICK ME! PICK ME!"

May 9th: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed "OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!"

May 12th: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, "Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!"

Once again we cannot tolerate this behavior in our store.

Regards, Wal-Mart Manager