Think I might Have a Problem

It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and then to loosen up. Inevitably though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker.

I began to think alone - "to relax," I told myself - but I knew it wasn't true. Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was thinking all the time.

I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don't mix, but I couldn't stop myself. I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read writings of Plato, Saint Augustine of Hippo, Jesus Christ, and Aristotle. I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking, "What is it exactly we are doing here?"

Things weren't going so great at home either. One evening I had turned off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life. She spent that night at her mother's.

I soon had a reputation as a heavy thinker. One day the boss called me in. He said, "Mike, I like you, and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem. If you don't stop thinking on the job, you'll have to find another job." This gave me a lot to think about.

I came home early after my conversation with the boss. "Honey, " I confessed, "I've been thinking..." "I know you've been thinking," she said, "and I want a divorce!" "But Honey, surely it's not that serious." "It is serious," she said, lower lip aquiver. "You think as much as college professors, and college professors don't make any money, so if you keep on thinking we won't have any money!" "That's a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently, and she began to cry. I'd had enough. "I'm going to the library," I snarled as I stomped out the door.

I headed for the library, in the mood for Clinton's latest book "Family Morals in America". Listening to a PBS station on the radio, I roared into the parking lot and ran up to the big glass doors... they didn't open. The library was closed. Later, I realized that a Higher Power was looking out for me that night. As I sank to the ground clawing at the unfeeling glass, whimpering for Zarathustra, a poster caught my eye. "Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?" it asked. You probably recognize that line. It comes from the standard Thinker's Anonymous poster.

Which is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker. I never miss a TA meeting. At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last week it was "Jerry Spinger" talking about the song "I'm bad" by Michael Jackson. Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last meeting. Life just seemed .. more bland .. without purpose or meaning, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking, and avoided thoughts about the meaning of life and my future. I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home and the office. Now I stare for hours at the T.V. and receive my daily dose of brainwashing instead of contemplating the mysteries of life.

Have you joined Thinker's Anonymous yet?

How to get banned from Wal-Mart

Banned From the Local Wal-Mart

Dear Mrs. Andress

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may be forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Andress are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

December 15th: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

January  2nd: Set all the alarm clocks in House-wares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

January  7th: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

February  4th: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

March 14th: Moved a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" sign to a carpeted area.

March 15th: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.

March  23rd: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

May 4th: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

April 10th: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

May 2nd: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

May 6th: In the auto department, he practiced his "Madonna look" by using different sizes of funnels.

May 7th: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled "PICK ME! PICK ME!"

May 9th: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed "OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!"

May 12th: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, "Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!"

Once again we cannot tolerate this behavior in our store.

Regards, Wal-Mart Manager

What Don't Kill Us ...

Ever wonder what people did in the old west when they got sick?

Well I'm here to tell you they had it rough. They didn't just go down to the local Walgreen store and pick up some medicine. Most of the cures in those days were sometimes worse than the disease. Here are some old remedies they used. Please don't try these, they may make your condition worse or give you new ones.

Anemia

• Eat raw liver and drink fresh blood.

Ant Bites

• Take a dip of snuff and rub the fresh dipped snuff on the bite.

Appendicitis

• Tie a leather thong around your waist and the appendicitis will enter the thong. Take the thong and tie it around a tree and the sickness will enter the tree.

Arthritis

• Dissolve 3/4 teaspoon powder pectin (or 1-tablespoon liquid pectin) in a glass of purple grape juice. Drink once a day. This is from an Amish doctor and about 60% of the people who try it say it really works. The liquid dissolves better than the powder.
• Take a dead cat into the woods to a hollow stump that has spunk in it. Twirl the cat overhead and then toss the cat to the south. Walk away north but do not look back.
• Carry a potato in your pocket. It will not rot, but harden as it absorbs the arthritis.

Asthma

• If a child has asthma stand him up against a tree and drive a nail in the tree an inch above his head. If the child grows an inch in the next year, the asthma will disappear.
  • Baldness/Thinning Hair
  
  
  • Smear your head with fresh cow manure.
  • For thinning hair make a solution of salt and water and comb through hair every day until you see hair becoming thicker.
  
  
  Beard Growing
  • The Liquid obtained from boiling old boots was used to promote the growth of hair on the face of young men—an attempt to appear more masculine.
  
  
  Bee Stings
  • Mix up honey and dirt dauber’s nest and rub it on the sting.
  
  
  Boils
  • Catch a chaparral bird (roadrunner) in the early morning. Kill and eat it and the boil will go away.
  • Soak a small section of heel of homemade white bread in boiling water. Squeeze with back of spoon. Lay on sterile gauze or boiled cloth. Add pinch baking soda (1/4 tsp). Mix with soaked bread, wrap in gauze and apply to affected area.
     
  Burns
  • Apply ice wrapped in damp washcloth until pain stops. No scaring will occur.
  • Go to the lot and make a calf get up and defecate. Put the feces in a flour sack and cover the burn with it. Leave it on until the next morning.
  • Apply strong tea to the burned area
  
  
  Cancer - Preventing
  • Eat three almonds a day and you will not die from cancer.
  
  
  Chills
  • Take a new broom and sweep across his back in the sign of a cross.
  
  
  Colds - Curing
  • Catching leaves in your hand, which fall from the trees in the fall, will cure a head cold.
  
  
  Colds – Preventing
  • Eat an onion sandwich and wash your hair.
  
  
  Colic
  • Close the windows and doors of the baby’s room and have the father keep smoking a pipe or cigar.
  
  
  Coughs
  • Put some cow dung in water and bring it to a boil. Gargle the water three times a day and your cough will be gone.
  • Bake onions and pour all the juice from the baked onions into a glass and drink.
  
  
  Crick in the Neck
  • Go down to the hog pen and find where a hog has rubbed his neck against the fence, then rub your neck in the same spot.
  
  
  Croup
  • Pack sheep droppings into a tobacco sack and soak in warm water. Apply the sack to your neck and wear it until the choking spell is over.
  
  
  Cuts
  • Pack the cut in axle grease.
  • Take a large army ant and apply him to the cut, so that he takes hold of each side of the wound with his pincers. Cut his head off from his body, leaving his head to hold the cut together.
  • Apply spider’s web to a bleeding cut.
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    I Know some of you are thinking. Does this stuff really work?
    

    Well, What don't kill us makes us stronger.

The Squirrel and the Acorn

The other day I was cruising on the lake. I wasn't  in a hurry and was enjoying the nice cool morning.
I came up on a curious site. There was a tree that had fallen from the bank and was half way in the water.
 As I got closer to the tree I noticed a squirrel was standing at the end of one of the branches. He was looking at the end of the branch that was hanging over the water. So I stopped the boat to watch the curious little fellow. He was obviously in a tither about something. His tail was twitching so fast it was nearly a blur. The little guy would run down the branch and just before he got to the end, he would run back. This went on for probably 20 minutes, when I noticed what the fuss was all about.   


There was an acorn at the end of that branch and it was driving the squirrel crazy.
You see, Squirrels aren't good swimmers and they avoid getting wet if they can help it.
Well I guess that squirrel was mighty hungry because he just couldn't let that delectable acorn just go to waste. Any ways  I watched as he would run back and forth and just could not gain the courage to get to that acorn. Then all of a sudden he finally got up enough nerve and ran down to the end of that branch and got the acorn. Then while he was feasting on his reward, the biggest bass I ever saw jumped out of the water and swallowed that squirrel and the acorn in one gulp. 


As I was trying to comprehend what I had just witnessed. That old bass came up and put another acorn right on the end of that branch.