It's not my fault.

  "RETARDED" GRANDPARENTS
                                         
Written by a third grader , on what his
grandparents do.
                           
After Christmas , a teacher asked her
young pupils how they spent their holiday away from school. One child wrote the following:
                           
We always used to spend the holidays
with Grandma and Grandpa.  They used to live in a big brick house , but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Arizona .  Now they live
in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass.  They ride around on their bicycles , and wear name tags , because they
don't know who they are anymore.  They go to a building called a wreck center , but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay
now , they do exercises there , but they don't do them very well.
There is a swimming pool too , but they all jump up and down in it with hats on.  At their gate , there is a doll house with a little
old man sitting in it.  He watches all day so nobody can escape.
Sometimes they sneak out , and go cruising in their golf carts.
Nobody there cooks , they just eat out.  And , they eat the same thing every night - early birds.  Some of the people can't get out
past the man in the doll house.  The ones who do get out , bring food back to the wrecked center for pot luck.  My Grandma says that
Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and , says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too.  When I earn my
retardment , I want to be the man in the doll house.  Then I will let people out , so they can visit their grandchildren.

Senior Moment

  A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and
says, "Please come over here and help me.   

                                                                                                                                                                   I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure
out how to get started."  

                                                                                                                                                           Her neighbor asks, "What is it supposed to be when
it's finished?"   

                                                                                                                                                        The little silver haired lady says, "According to
the picture on the box, it's a rooster."                    

Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle. 

 She lets him in and shows him where she has the
puzzle spread all over the table.

                                                                                                                                                          He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at
the box, then turns to her and says,

                

  "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going
to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a
rooster."

                 

 He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to
relax.

 Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep
sigh ............


 

                 "Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."









                 

Grandma Still Drives

Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes:  Dear Grand-daughter,  The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a 'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker ..  I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting..  So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.  Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.  I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed.  It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.  I found that lots of people love Jesus!  While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of God!'  'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'  What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!  Everyone started honking!  I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people.  I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!  There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach..  I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.  I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.  He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.  Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back.  My grandson burst out laughing.  Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!  A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.  I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.  So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on through the intersection.  I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared.  So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!  Will write again soon,  Love, Grandma

The Redneck and The Game Warden

A redneck with a bucket full of live fish was approached by a game warden in Central Texas as he started to drive his boat away from a lake.

The game warden asked the man, "May I see your fishing license please?"

"Naw, sir," replied the redneck. "I don't need none of them there papers. These here are my pet fish."

"Pet fish??"

"Yep. Once a week, I bring these here fish o'mine down to the lake and let 'em swim 'round for a while. Then when I whistle, they swim right back into my net and I take 'em home."

"What a line of bull,you're under arrest."

The redneck said, "It's the truth, Mr. Gov'ment Man. I'll show ya! We do this all the time!!"

"WE do, do WE?" smirked the warden. "PROVE it!"

The redneck released the fish into the lake and stood and waited. After a few minutes, the warden said, "Well?"

"Well, WHUT?" said the redneck.

The warden asked, "When are you going to call them back?"

"Call who back?"

"The FISH," replied the warden!

"Whut fish?" asked the redneck.

MORAL OF THE STORY:

We may not be as smart as some city slickers, but we ain't as dumb as some government employees.

You can say what you want about the South, but you never hear of anyone retiring and moving north.

Think I might Have a Problem

It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and then to loosen up. Inevitably though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker.

I began to think alone - "to relax," I told myself - but I knew it wasn't true. Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was thinking all the time.

I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don't mix, but I couldn't stop myself. I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read writings of Plato, Saint Augustine of Hippo, Jesus Christ, and Aristotle. I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking, "What is it exactly we are doing here?"

Things weren't going so great at home either. One evening I had turned off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life. She spent that night at her mother's.

I soon had a reputation as a heavy thinker. One day the boss called me in. He said, "Mike, I like you, and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem. If you don't stop thinking on the job, you'll have to find another job." This gave me a lot to think about.

I came home early after my conversation with the boss. "Honey, " I confessed, "I've been thinking..." "I know you've been thinking," she said, "and I want a divorce!" "But Honey, surely it's not that serious." "It is serious," she said, lower lip aquiver. "You think as much as college professors, and college professors don't make any money, so if you keep on thinking we won't have any money!" "That's a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently, and she began to cry. I'd had enough. "I'm going to the library," I snarled as I stomped out the door.

I headed for the library, in the mood for Clinton's latest book "Family Morals in America". Listening to a PBS station on the radio, I roared into the parking lot and ran up to the big glass doors... they didn't open. The library was closed. Later, I realized that a Higher Power was looking out for me that night. As I sank to the ground clawing at the unfeeling glass, whimpering for Zarathustra, a poster caught my eye. "Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?" it asked. You probably recognize that line. It comes from the standard Thinker's Anonymous poster.

Which is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker. I never miss a TA meeting. At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last week it was "Jerry Spinger" talking about the song "I'm bad" by Michael Jackson. Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last meeting. Life just seemed .. more bland .. without purpose or meaning, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking, and avoided thoughts about the meaning of life and my future. I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home and the office. Now I stare for hours at the T.V. and receive my daily dose of brainwashing instead of contemplating the mysteries of life.

Have you joined Thinker's Anonymous yet?

How to get banned from Wal-Mart

Banned From the Local Wal-Mart

Dear Mrs. Andress

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may be forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Andress are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

December 15th: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

January  2nd: Set all the alarm clocks in House-wares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

January  7th: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

February  4th: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

March 14th: Moved a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" sign to a carpeted area.

March 15th: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.

March  23rd: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

May 4th: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

April 10th: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

May 2nd: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

May 6th: In the auto department, he practiced his "Madonna look" by using different sizes of funnels.

May 7th: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled "PICK ME! PICK ME!"

May 9th: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed "OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!"

May 12th: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, "Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!"

Once again we cannot tolerate this behavior in our store.

Regards, Wal-Mart Manager