The Redneck and The Game Warden

A redneck with a bucket full of live fish was approached by a game warden in Central Texas as he started to drive his boat away from a lake.

The game warden asked the man, "May I see your fishing license please?"

"Naw, sir," replied the redneck. "I don't need none of them there papers. These here are my pet fish."

"Pet fish??"

"Yep. Once a week, I bring these here fish o'mine down to the lake and let 'em swim 'round for a while. Then when I whistle, they swim right back into my net and I take 'em home."

"What a line of bull,you're under arrest."

The redneck said, "It's the truth, Mr. Gov'ment Man. I'll show ya! We do this all the time!!"

"WE do, do WE?" smirked the warden. "PROVE it!"

The redneck released the fish into the lake and stood and waited. After a few minutes, the warden said, "Well?"

"Well, WHUT?" said the redneck.

The warden asked, "When are you going to call them back?"

"Call who back?"

"The FISH," replied the warden!

"Whut fish?" asked the redneck.

MORAL OF THE STORY:

We may not be as smart as some city slickers, but we ain't as dumb as some government employees.

You can say what you want about the South, but you never hear of anyone retiring and moving north.

What Don't Kill Us ...

Ever wonder what people did in the old west when they got sick?

Well I'm here to tell you they had it rough. They didn't just go down to the local Walgreen store and pick up some medicine. Most of the cures in those days were sometimes worse than the disease. Here are some old remedies they used. Please don't try these, they may make your condition worse or give you new ones.

Anemia

• Eat raw liver and drink fresh blood.

Ant Bites

• Take a dip of snuff and rub the fresh dipped snuff on the bite.

Appendicitis

• Tie a leather thong around your waist and the appendicitis will enter the thong. Take the thong and tie it around a tree and the sickness will enter the tree.

Arthritis

• Dissolve 3/4 teaspoon powder pectin (or 1-tablespoon liquid pectin) in a glass of purple grape juice. Drink once a day. This is from an Amish doctor and about 60% of the people who try it say it really works. The liquid dissolves better than the powder.
• Take a dead cat into the woods to a hollow stump that has spunk in it. Twirl the cat overhead and then toss the cat to the south. Walk away north but do not look back.
• Carry a potato in your pocket. It will not rot, but harden as it absorbs the arthritis.

Asthma

• If a child has asthma stand him up against a tree and drive a nail in the tree an inch above his head. If the child grows an inch in the next year, the asthma will disappear.
  • Baldness/Thinning Hair
  
  
  • Smear your head with fresh cow manure.
  • For thinning hair make a solution of salt and water and comb through hair every day until you see hair becoming thicker.
  
  
  Beard Growing
  • The Liquid obtained from boiling old boots was used to promote the growth of hair on the face of young men—an attempt to appear more masculine.
  
  
  Bee Stings
  • Mix up honey and dirt dauber’s nest and rub it on the sting.
  
  
  Boils
  • Catch a chaparral bird (roadrunner) in the early morning. Kill and eat it and the boil will go away.
  • Soak a small section of heel of homemade white bread in boiling water. Squeeze with back of spoon. Lay on sterile gauze or boiled cloth. Add pinch baking soda (1/4 tsp). Mix with soaked bread, wrap in gauze and apply to affected area.
     
  Burns
  • Apply ice wrapped in damp washcloth until pain stops. No scaring will occur.
  • Go to the lot and make a calf get up and defecate. Put the feces in a flour sack and cover the burn with it. Leave it on until the next morning.
  • Apply strong tea to the burned area
  
  
  Cancer - Preventing
  • Eat three almonds a day and you will not die from cancer.
  
  
  Chills
  • Take a new broom and sweep across his back in the sign of a cross.
  
  
  Colds - Curing
  • Catching leaves in your hand, which fall from the trees in the fall, will cure a head cold.
  
  
  Colds – Preventing
  • Eat an onion sandwich and wash your hair.
  
  
  Colic
  • Close the windows and doors of the baby’s room and have the father keep smoking a pipe or cigar.
  
  
  Coughs
  • Put some cow dung in water and bring it to a boil. Gargle the water three times a day and your cough will be gone.
  • Bake onions and pour all the juice from the baked onions into a glass and drink.
  
  
  Crick in the Neck
  • Go down to the hog pen and find where a hog has rubbed his neck against the fence, then rub your neck in the same spot.
  
  
  Croup
  • Pack sheep droppings into a tobacco sack and soak in warm water. Apply the sack to your neck and wear it until the choking spell is over.
  
  
  Cuts
  • Pack the cut in axle grease.
  • Take a large army ant and apply him to the cut, so that he takes hold of each side of the wound with his pincers. Cut his head off from his body, leaving his head to hold the cut together.
  • Apply spider’s web to a bleeding cut.
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    I Know some of you are thinking. Does this stuff really work?
    

    Well, What don't kill us makes us stronger.